Devious Journal EntryI looked at her today. Really looked at her. The way they were sleeping and how safe they looked together and things. And then the way she smiled w/ him and everyone else. Pure. Made me feel horrid, but then again glad for her. Lucky is what they are. Lucky is what I am. Unfair that he made it stop when it's deserved.
When you make something and you put yourself into it and then someone comes up w/ a pencil and an eraser and changes it and then walks away, it makes you feel very shitty. Telling you that you are horrible, nothing you do is right, they'll always have to clean up after you, you're not worthy. That's what it feel like. That's how she makes me feel. Alone. Like nothing matters. She can't ever look at you, you're not good enough. 'Oh and by the way, you can put this back.' Spit. And supposedly quiet enough not to be heard tell you down to a stranger but it was meant to be heard.
They're crawling all over everything...
I have that feeling again. The need to run. Like everything is pulsing through you, you need to get away. Awoken again, aware. And some reason afraid.
The only way to love anything is to see that it may be lost. ...And that book too. Tisa. Eljay. Round and round. Outside them Eryn and Tash, Brittany and Manda. Guilt.
I really need to talk to Eljay... Tisa won't let me talk to him. She doesn't understand...
Any moment people can leave. One false movement, they are forever gone. Maybe there is a plan. Maybe there is something out there. For them suffer. Death is permant. No turning back. No event can be undone. You wake up the day after, every second more it will be the reality. You can't return to the past. Who's fault is it? And what right do we own? What right to live, to kill, to die? Should we be responsible for them or ourselves? I have no idea what any of this means. What I'm trying to know. I don't want to hear the truth. Read it and leave the spaces empty. I'm always going to block it out. I'm always going to leave it open. I don't know what to do.... I can't stand being so foolish. I can't stand looking at them. I can't stand hearing them. Watching them suffer and picturing handing them more. Fucking dumbshit... The hell is this point?
i miss you.
come home.
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i just noticed that you haven't been on for a while.
who knows, maybe you'll read this before the 4th.
did you hear about papa ??
well, if you have, and you want to talk about it, remember i'm here. i love you.
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today.
i really appreciate it, and i hope i won't dissapoint.
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your art is better than mine.
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Nothing to fear, Nothing to doubt
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By the pricking of my thumbs,
something wicked this way comes....
Nebu Clothing
Groundfrost
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If I could start again, a million miles away. /
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I do not weep for the dead, for the dead have died for Me.
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Aspire to heights never reached, set the standard, lead your own life, and when all else fails, do not cry over the things you can't do, but have the courage to do your best at the things you can.
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today.
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